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Six things I wish I’d never done

November 17, 2010
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1o Day MeMe:

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

I wish I was one of those people who didn’t regret things. I wish I could look at things as learning experiences. There are many mistakes I have made that I do not regret in the slightest. But yes, there are quite a few I definitely do, and if I could go back and redo things I would.

1) Going to MVNU for Education. I don’t think I regret anything in my life more than this. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not trying to dis on the school or the quality of my education, but it just wasn’t where I should have been. I fought it the entire time I went. I wanted so badly (OH SO BADLY YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW) to quit, but I kept chugging along because I didn’t want to be “a quitter”. I had too much pride. And I killed my soul in the process. Spend three years dedicating your life to something you aren’t passionate about and I guarantee you: it will kill your soul. Upon graduation I didn’t feel accomplished at all; I felt dead and unmotivated.

I SHOULD have done another year at CSCC and then finished up my BA at OSU. I did one year of undergrad at CSCC and had one of the BEST years of my life making all kinds of awesome friends, and I did a couple semesters of graduate school at OSU and LOVED it.  I took health and science classes and LOVED them. I should have and WOULD have changed my major if I had followed my heart and not my pride or what I thought people expected of me.

Also, I can’t regret marrying Ben, but I do think my going off to MVNU pushed me closer to him because I was miserable there and he was my link to home. I’m just not sure I would have married him if I had gone to CSCC another year.

And the cherry on top: the heap of debt I am in for nothing.

2) Letting myself gain weight. I can handle my tummy stretch marks and my surgery scars because those are all battle wounds of sorts, but I hate the fat. I hate that I could have prevented it… at least a lot of it. Some of it is just natural pregnancy weight, but a lot of it came before I got pregnant. I SO miss being skinny. I miss the energy I had (everything was easier and quicker and less clumsy) and the LACK of self-consciousness.

3) Losing my mother’s Sweet 16 ring. Yes, I still regret that. Always will. My dad gave my mom this adorable silver heart ring with two interlocking hearts when my mom was 16 years old. She passed it onto me when I was 13 and not too long after that I took it off in the Limited Two at Tuttle Mall and left it there. That’s kind of something that can never be replaced.

4) Cutting Nick out of my life when we were teenagers; fighting my feelings under some pretense I was doing what was best for both of us. I’m not entirely sure I regret doing that since I was sincerely trying to do the right thing, but I just wonder what life would be like if I had just let things take their natural course…  or if I had at least not done things so abruptly and completely.

When I was 16 I wrote in my journal that I loved him more than anything, but we weren’t meant to be together and I had to end things… and that ten years from now I wanted to be married and raising a family and I wanted him to be with someone raising a family, too. I just wanted us both to be happy. And now life has come full circle it seems and here we are: broken. Together.

(But I’m not gunna lie- it’s kind of nice to have a friend who I love and care about to be broken with. I know he’s helped me a lot anyway. I just tell him he has motivated me to figure things out and move forward faster than he has ;-))

5) All the mistakes I made as a wife. I’m not sure I had the power to prevent what happened, but there is always that what if in my mind. Whether I was meant to marry him, or whether I should have married him or not, I did, and I took it very seriously. I wish we could have been successful. Mostly for Adry’s sake.

Because I regret regret REGRET that I have to watch my son grow up being bounced around from house to house struggling to find stability, consistency, AND the proper amount of time spent with both of his parents. That’s practically an impossible balance to achieve.

Ben and I both made mistakes, but we made our choices and we should have lived with them because we brought a little boy into the world and HE is the one who matters now. I’m not saying it would have been fair for Adry to grow up with miserable, unhappily married parents, but if we would have both decided to be happy it would have worked.

Whether I could have controlled the outcome or not, I still regret it and wonder if I could have.

(Although the truth is that now, more often than not, I am feeling pretty good about all of my future possibilities. Life is going to be great. Life is great. I’m very blessed, Adry is very blessed, and we are going to have some great adventures together. Every romantic tale has its adversities to overcome, right!?)

6) Losing patience with Adry and feeling inconvenienced. Getting self-absorbed and stressed. He is my everything, I just don’t live like it sometimes… I feel like I want, need, to give him MORE. And so I get on these quests.  A quest to lose weight to be an energetic mom. A quest to one day marry and give Adry a family unit and stability. A quest to get into a career that makes more money so I can provide for him. Meanwhile I’m preoccupied and fail to recognize that all he needs is me. I WILL be better.

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