Really Rough DayDecember 15, 2010
Really rough day.
If you are considering leaving your spouse, please heed my warning that broken misery is 100X worse than married misery. Make.It.Work. FIND HEALING. WORK YOUR HARDEST. Do not go through this.
I am mixed up, screwed up, confused, and unstable… and paranoid and cynical and frustrated. I’ve completely lost myself. I don’t know who I am or what I believe anymore. I feel entirely dead. I let self-pity and other indulgences into my soul and they’ve eaten me alive.
I’m a terrible mother. A terrible sister. Terrible daughter. Terrible friend. I have a heart of steel. My son reaches for me and all I want to do is run the other way. I can’t be what he needs; I’m too weak.
I try to feel something. Anything.
WHO AM I! Who have I become? I don’t recognize any of this.
And I hate being daily reminded of Ben and our marriage and I hate feeling like I’m crazy for missing it. I keep it all locked inside because I feel like if I mention it people’s attitudes are all, ‘how could you miss that? How could you miss him? After everything that happened!?’ Especially since HIS attitude about the whole thing seems to be nothing short of ‘good riddance!’
I also feel guilty for missing it. Like if I miss it it means I’m not letting go or moving on. But really, for me I don’t think that’s the case, because honestly… I don’t think I will ever stop missing it. Not even when/if one day I am happily remarried or whatever… It’s like mourning the death of a person, you know? You can move on with life and still miss them. I mean, I’ve accepted it (the death; the failure). There’s no going back. I want to focus on what’s ahead. But it’s just the recovery part I’m having a hard time with. If I had to sum it all up, I’d say I’m dealing with loss of faith in God and myself and humanity. Everything feels really warped.
But I go through spurts- WEEKS at a time- that I feel SUPER and confident and excited to move on with life, and then BAM out of nowhere the regret and sadness comes flooding in, uncontrollably, and I feel like I’m back at Grief Stage One all over again. (But I remind myself that I haven’t regressed. I’m just walking through similar landscape of the winding valley.)
Anyway, I just want to start over. I want a clean slate. I want to go back to the day I decided to leave Ben, and I want to launch this Single Mom thing off right this time. I want to be strong and confident and unwavering in my faith. I want to keep my priorities straight.