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December 30, 2010
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I feel very bittersweet about this :-(.  Finding a daily thing to appreciate has turned into SUCH a habit. Which is an incredible thing, right? I hope to do this project again another year. I’m thinking, actually, of taking up a journal project every even year. Perhaps in 2012 I will do a 365 Picture Project (a picture/day) and in 2014 I will do another AP.

Without further ado… the last of the Appreciation Project entires:

December 28 AP 362– Adry’s love of music and his natural talent and ability. A few days ago I witnessed something that truly gave me that mommy pride feeling in my gut. It was before Christmas- before Adry got his full drum set- and he was playing around with his little single drum and tambourine. After a few minutes he lined up the drum, the lid to the drum, and the tambourine all side-by-side. He took his drum sticks and hit around on each of them for a while and expiramented with the sounds. When he was satisfied he proceeded to use them as a little makeshift drum set and kept a STEADY 4/4 DRUMBEAT, using the drum for his eighth notes (One And Two And Three And Four) and the tambourine every second and fourth. Um… that’s like the max complex drumbeat *I* can keep, so it will be amazing when my toddler son can out-drum me… Grandpa and Uncle Matt have been teaching him proper form and technique, and he enjoys practicing. It is really amazing to watch him develop. Watch out, y’all. Future rock star. Now someone PLEASE just broaden his musical taste.

December 29 AP 363– Clint Eastwood, John Williams, Joe Wright, The Coen Brothers, Tarantino, and every other behind-the-scenes film artist who help make awesome, magical movies. I believe I’d already appreciated talented actors and actresses. I appreciate how Clint is truly an artist: he draws SO MUCH out of seemingly simple scenes (deep emotion without dialogue, sensuality without sex) and NEVER crosses over into “mushy”. John Williams makes every movie he touches sound magical. He’s directed the music for so many of my favorite films: Hook, Jurassic Park… He’s the one that did Jaws and Starwars, too, by the way. Joe Wright… Atonement and Pride and Prejudice and The Soloist… beautiful movies. The Coen Brothers– too many awesome movies to list, I love them all. Tarantino is a film genre all on his own and I love all of his stuff, too, but PULP FICTION will always be my favorite. And so many other awesome film industry folks.

December 30 AP 364– Me and Ben and our marriage. At the beginning of the year I had decided to reserve this appreciation for our anniversary: December 31. When I left Ben I decided to throw it out altogether. But you know what? I’m not doin’ it. I’m not throwing it out. I’m appreciating it now and I always will. I gave 9 years of my life to that relationship, and it will always be a part of who I am. I appreciate every minute, every day, every year, every laugh, every heartbreak, every memory. I appreciate it all. And now I’m crying and can’t see the monitor anymore through these dang tears, haha.

I appreciate the memory of the first time he told me he loved me. I appreciate the memory of that enormous grin he had on his face as he watched me walk down the aisle to marry him. I appreciate how giddy he got when I told him I was pregnant… how he couldn’t contain himself; he called everyone he knew right away. I appreciate the complete and pure adoration and dedication he had for his son from the minute he was born. I appreciate the years we got to enjoy as a whole family, and how Adry LOVED when we were all together. I appreciate every celebration we enjoyed together and every crisis we overcame together and all the growing up we did together. We shaped each other into the people we are today, for better or for worse.

I really really really enjoyed being young and growing up together. There is a bond there that I think is unmatchable. That’s either an unfortunate or beautiful thing, I’m not sure.

I don’t regret my marriage to Ben. I regret how it ended, but otherwise I have no regrets. I loved him. I loved our family. I would have suffered misery and  fought for our health happiness for as long as I lived. I just hope that one day I can feel whole again. I appreciate everything I have learned from this experience.

December 31 AP 365– New life chapters. This would have been me and Ben’s sixth wedding anniversary. This will be the first year in almost a decade I bring in the new year without him. I do not yet *feel* appreciative of this new life chapter, actually, but I am making a conscious effort. A new year, a new chapter, a new start… In reality this just feels like desperation and fear in limbo, but… like I said, I’m making an effort.

(Is it “ironic” that I clicked on my ‘wedding anniversary’ tag after writing this entry and the post (click link to see) that popped up was from last year- our LAST anniversary together- and the FIRST thing I mentioned was that I was wearing the necklace that “Cousin Sammie” had given me? Humm! I’m so glad I brought her along with me to celebrate my marriage! 😉 )

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Discussion (3 Comments)

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