MercyJanuary 11, 2011
I believe, y’all, that I hit the peak of my selfish, self-centered, run-from-my-pain delusional lifestyle. I’ve come to a turning point.
I’m beginning to come back down and see past myself. I’m beginning to open my arms to loving people, not for what they can do for me, but for who they are and what *I* can do for *them*. My head is clearer and I’m thinking more rationally. For the first time since my split with Ben I can look at my son, and instead of feeling overwhelming guilt and stress and self pity I instead feel full to the brim of just passionate, motherly, self-sacrificial love. Beautifully painful. I don’t know how else to describe it.
It feels SO good to feel more like myself. I want to hold onto this. I’m terrified I’m going to relapse into self-absorbed guilt and grief and depression again. Those feelings are nightmarish.
If there’s ONE thing I’ve learned from this experience so far, it’s mercifulness. In the midst of the most selfish period of my life I learned a deeper level of humbleness and mercifulness… somehow. It’s like, I so badly needed compassion and mercy simply BECAUSE I didn’t deserve it at all. And so now I desire to more humbly administer compassion and mercy to others who act selfish and don’t deserve it. I’ve learned that there’s a lot of pain behind selfishness, so I will be quick to understand, slow to judge.