Serenity PrayerJuly 23, 2011
I know I fall short… incredibly short… of the mother I once was and the mother I feel I ought to be. I really need to step things up in a lot of areas, but I’m exhausted and overwhelmed (mostly emotionally) and so I get discouraged.
I catch myself- and this is a terrible terrible mother confession- thinking ‘I’ll do things right next time. Next time things will be different. I’ll be better and their life will be better and things will just be “RIGHT”‘ as if I have a second chance and this is just a trial run. From one marriage to the next (one day), from one family to the next, and Adry is left in the inbetween and we just have to survive it.
I hate that those thoughts run through my head and I honestly do not mean for them to. I hate that this all feels wrong. This is my son’s life– jumping around from house to house without any consistency whatsoever (in routine or discipline or expectations), but it’s his life nonetheless and how do I make it right? How do I make THIS TIME right for him? I don’t get a second chance to raise him. How do I make sure that he never feels like he was the product of a mistake and not a real member of either of his part-time families? I want him to feel like he belongs and he has a home. I grew up with two parents incredibly devoted to their children and incredibly faithful in their marriage. I will never relate to Adry’s situation. I will never know how he feels. And I just feel like I’m far from the Supermom he needs who can take his situation and step up her game and make it all okay.
So, you know, I spend 80% of my life feeling like a failure out of options. …Which probably creates a lot of tension in our relationship because kids are perceptive. Adry LOVES being with his dad who always seems so sure of himself and his parenting and I just can’t mimic that confidence. I wish I could. I feel like a failure because I think I’d still choose to do shared parenting even if I had the option to have him full time… and I feel guilty for that. I feel like I need breaks to live my own life. Selfish. I’m dating and going out with friends and doing things I never got to do as a teenager and young adult… nor did I regret not doing those things, nor do I particularly enjoy them now (clarification: love keith, love the relationship, not really into ‘dating’), but the thought of devoting my life entirely to my kid and ending up old and alone and depressed really scares me.
So, I made the awful mistake of breaking down last night and calling Baby Daddy all ‘I miss my baby. I want my consistent life with him back. You stole that from me. Wah wah wah I’m the victim. My life is ruined; I’ll never be the same. sob sob.’ and obviously didn’t receive any compassion. Not sure what I was expecting. I gave up. Went in Adry’s room. Failure, guilt, self pity, sob, cry. All that. It was all very lovely and becoming. And then it just hit me suddenly… being in his room with all his stuff that we enjoy together… that I LOVE him and I LOVE being a mom. I LOVE who he made me when he made me a mom and I LOVE who I have the potential to be as his mom. Maybe I can’t discipline him the way I want to, or keep him on a daily routine the way I want to, or read him nightly bedtime stories, or make sure he’s eating right and sleeping when he should and hanging around people that I approve of. But I can love him and support him and enjoy him. He will always be wanted and welcomed. That’s still a beautiful blessing and a huge privilege and I’m thankful for it. So so thankful for it. I’m thankful for him. He’s here, he’s healthy, he’s happy, he’s exploring and observing and learning, he’s loved by a ton of people on both sides. I’ve got to just take what I have and run with it and stop beating myself up.
I’m a mom and I love my son and no one can take that from me.