“but when things once start to go right they often go on getting better and better”October 27, 2011
My God I wish I had more time to journal. It feels good to sit down and remember and reflect. I feel sort of like I did back in college when I was still journaling pen-and-paper and by the time I got into bed, opened the book and dated the page my entry turned out to be nothing more than, “hi. I’m alive. I think. Though I feel dead. I suspect the university is gradually stealing my soul bit by bit. I’m empty and have nothing to write about. I just wrapped up a twenty page paper on some obscure civil war figure whom I won’t remember anything about next month. Who cares about my own life!”
Except… honestly… on a whole this is probably… undoubtedly the happiest I’ve been in years. I really like where I’m at. Which is kind of amazing considering I’m now a single mom with a failed marriage behind me, a year of education graduate school that I’m not using, massive debt, all while working for meager wages as a nurse’s aide. And it’s not that I’m content to stay here, but for the first time since I started college I’m confident in where I’m headed. I’m not rushing myself, I’m not stressing out, I’m not doing what I think will impress or make other people happy. I’m just enjoying the journey.
Like a true pessimist I keep bracing myself for the good times to end… I keep waiting to fall back into hard times and real struggle– disappointment, betrayal, heartbreak, daily fighting just to keep my head above water.
But I’m so richly blessed. It’s incredible. The people in my life right now are solid and faithful and I love them all so much. I’m excited for the future. I’m permanently in love with Super Boyfriend (so much that it hurts) and no matter how broke I am my needs are always met. (I honestly don’t even know how it’s possible. I think I have an enchanted bank account. After budgeting in my car repairs for the month I left myself a whole $10 for gas, $0 for food and groceries, and $0 to pay a few bills, but SOMEHOW I have a full tank of gas, ALL of my bills are paid, and I’ve had enough extra money to do things like take my kid to the pumpkin patch.)
Life is good.