restorationNovember 10, 2011
Sometimes I forget what infidelity and a failing marriage feels like.
I wrote this post on August 13, 2010, just over a week before – out of hopeless desperation and a nagging feeling in my gut that something just still wasn’t right – I hacked into his Twitter account and confirmed my suspicions. I knew things were unfixable at that point and I left that very night. (three strikes?)Probably four days a week I succumb to intense depression. If I manage to get out of bed to get dressed and get to work on mommy chores, I cry throughout the entire day with a debilitating pain in my gut.. Other days I am too sick to get out of bed except to feed and watch over my child. Getting up is literally physically painful and tiring, as if I have a rotting tummy, a brain without gravity, and weights chained to every limb. I’m sick of making decisions. If someone could please just walk me through this and tell me exactly what to do every step of the way, I would really appreciate it. I’ve lost all motivation. One minute I want a fresh start to reinvent myself and find clarity, and the next I want to bury myself in blankets and lose consciousness. I just want to know exactly what to do, and I want to do it without looking back. Limbo is killing my soul, slowly and painfully. If I could go back to my life of ignorance- before I found anything out- when I felt pretty okay and had hope that the days were getting brighter and we were on the right path, I would. Heh. I so would. Hope was my backbone, and living without it has been a nightmare. Why why why why WHY is this happening again?
As heartbreaking as it was, and as betrayed as I felt from all sides, I am so thankful I went with my gut and turned into psycho stalking wife and got that confirmation, haha. Suspicion, wondering, not knowing, not trusting… are all far more hellish and damaging than an actual affair. Sometimes I wonder how people can watch someone go through that (for three years!) and not just confess and release them from that hell.
God, I’m thankful for where I’m at now and who I’m with.