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August 30, 2012
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My life has been so incredibly stressful and crazy the past few months.  I feel like things are going to begin settling down very soon. The fact that I have a spare minute to get on here and update my journal is a good testament to that.

First, I guess I am legally Jessica Sanders, now! Although I still go by Jessica Ellwood since it’s easiest. I think that signing away my full time parenting rights was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done… Now I only legally have the right to see my child 3.5 days per week. I sobbed on the floor for an entire 24-hours after I signed those papers. And I still cry every day that I am not with Adry. Still. Every day. In the beginning I kind of dealt with it by shutting off my heart, but it caused tension in my relationship with Adry that I think we are still recovering from, so I decided that vulnerability and all the love, joy, and hurt that goes along with it is better than hard-hearted numbness. I keep wondering when this shared parenting deal will stop hurting so much. I thought I’d be used to it by now… I wonder if I’ll be an absolute basket case as an empty nester. I’m just going to have to have a baby when I’m 50 and spare myself! hah.

Speaking of having children. Keith and I were sitting on the couch the other day watching some action packed thriller DVD and he randomly looked over at me and said he’d cemented his decision to have children with me a couple of years down the road… to TRY to have children with me. Before he’d been open to the idea for my sake. He’d never had the desire to have any of his own, and he was content having Adry, but he said that now he desires to add to our family and make it a little bigger. Which, you know, is always good to hear. There’s a huge difference between your partner agreeing to have children with you and actually DESIRING it for themselves. (I’ve turned He Man Woman Hater into a lover AND a family man.)

Also, Keith and I get married next month. Finally. (Finally? It’s not like we’ve been dragging anything out.) I’m just ready for it to be over I guess. I don’t really know why. I remember when I FIRST started dating Keith (I mean like first week) I asked him if he wanted a wedding when and if he ever got married. He said yes he did want a wedding. So I went straight home to Jamie, my BFF roommate at the time, and told her I’d found the PERFECT guy except that he wants a wedding, can you believe that! And we shuddered and we groaned and she swore she’d find an impulsive man who would elope in Italy, just the two of them. (Of course she didn’t.)  So I tried, as I’m sure most anti-brides have tried in the past, to have the absolute tiniest-as-possible, no-big-deal celebration of my union to Keith. And I discovered, as I’m sure most anti-brides in the past have, that that is mostly impossible because before you know it a bonfire night in your back yard turns into omistars, how are we going to fit 100 cars in our driveway? and you blink a couple of times and voila- you are in the midst of planning a ceremony and reception and people are asking you Why aren’t we calling this a ceremony and reception? and you respond well crap because you realize that despite your best efforts it IS in fact a ceremony and reception and so you drag your best friend out to buy a fancy dress that inevitably needs altered. That’s what happens. But it’s okay because I’m going to try to have fun and at the end of the day I’ll be married to Keith regardless.

And one last thing for now: Keith and I have settled into Grandview, the city in which we are happy and excited to raise our family. I love it and I’m glad to be here. I was nervous about downsizing into such a tiny place, but it turns out I like it better than the extra space. It’s cozy and home-y. We both got new jobs right here in the city within walking or biking distance, which is awesome.

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