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February 2018
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January 27, 2018
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Having reread my last post I’ve begun to become conscientious of how it may be perceived by others either in or outside of my family situation. My problem lies in that I don’t really write my journal posts specifically with an audience in mind. That’s why I call it my journal and not a blog. My thoughts are often all over the place and disorganized, unedited… And since I journal for me I don’t give the full story on anything so it’s hard to know the context and background of what I write. This has gotten me in trouble in the past and I’ve been seriously tempted over the years to make my journal completely private. But the folks that keep coming back to me thanking me for sharing my life and telling me how much it means to them are those for whom I keep hitting that “visibility:public” button when I publish, haha.

Anyway, I’d like to clarify that I am neither angry nor disappointed in… anyone, really… but namely my dad since he was mentioned in my last post. These circumstances suck but I do not blame my dad. I haven’t agreed with everything he has done… (But I mean honestly, who agrees with everything someone does? People are frustrating like that- no one’s living their life doing everything the way you believe they ought to, lol.) In fact, there are times I get frustrated and I tell him so. See, but that’s the beautiful thing– I can tell him so. I can go to him; I can put on my best angry face and demand to know why he said this, and why he did that, and ask him to do things a different way and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he will consider what I say and he will love me, absolutely, unconditionally. I am secure in that. Additionally, I understand that grief is a process- a big complex learning process. And good on him for actively working through that process and taking chances on things. I personally have turned off my grief process and and I’m stuck being a dead numb dumb person continually walking straight into a wall and getting nowhere. So I just gotta give people grace for dealing with things the way they need to at this time because, I dunno, I guess I’m not letting myself work through my own grief for fear I won’t be afforded that same grace. That’s a shitty fear to live with.

And lastly, I am legitimately happy to room with my dad. I’ve offered to live with both my parents since before any of this ever happened, and Dad just happened to take me up on it. It’s not as though I’m going out of the way and doing a favor; I want Dad to be here. I’d room with anyone anytime! Let’s get a bigger place and we can all share, yay!

And speaking of Dad, I’ve actually been meaning to post these pics for forever..

This past September he won a First Place award for a wooden bowl he turned, the first and only that he’s submitted to an art contest.


Categories: Ciao Bella Vita : Daily Journal - Tag: , ,