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Undisguised

August 13, 2010
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An update.

Probably four days a week I succumb to intense depression. If I manage to get out of bed to get dressed and get to work on mommy chores, I cry throughout the entire day with a debilitating pain in my gut.. Other days I am too sick to get out of bed except to feed and watch over my child. Getting up is literally physically painful and tiring, as if I have a rotting tummy, a brain without gravity, and weights chained to every limb.

I’m sick of making decisions. If someone could please just walk me through this and tell me exactly what to do every step of the way, I would really appreciate it. I’ve lost all motivation. One minute I want a fresh start to reinvent myself and find clarity, and the next I want to bury myself in blankets and lose consciousness. I just want to know exactly what to do, and I want to do it without looking back. Limbo is killing my soul, slowly and painfully.

If I could go back to my life of ignorance- before I found anything out- when I felt pretty okay and had hope that the days were getting brighter and we were on the right path, I would. Heh. I so would. Hope was my backbone, and living without it has been a nightmare.

Why why why why WHY is this happening again?

Categories: Ciao Bella Vita : Daily Journal - Tag: ,

Discussion (4 Comments)

  1. by Kaleigh

    I love you, Jess. Be strong in the Lord, and rely on him during those days. Paul talked about his afflictions bringing him closer to God, so yours can also. Also, keep this in mind:
    “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, wehave peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. (Romans 5:1-5) You will make it through this! You will!

  2. by Denise

    Jess, I am there with you…thankfully I am starting to see my depression work it’s self out, but believe me, there was once a time I did the exact same thing. I am thankful to have worked through it and I know you can too! Hang in there!

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  4. […] wrote this post on August 13, 2010, just over a week before – out of hopeless desperation and a nagging […]

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