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“Life’s like a movie, write your own ending. Keep believing, keep pretending.”

November 21, 2010
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November 13 AP 317– MexiCoke! YUM YUM YUM. The perfect Coke!

I bring to you a series of photos entitled ‘I Pose With My MexiCoke’.

November 14 AP 318– The Ohio State University campus. Mom and I went to see a Jim Henson film at the Wexner Center on campus and then we ate at Tommy’s. I just remembered how I LOVED to be a student walking those streets in the fall among other students all bundled up. There’s something about the atmosphere that gets me.

November 15 AP 319– My decision to not date and just make friends.

November 16 AP 320– Jumbo! My Jumbo Love: a big purple hippo who has seen more tears and heard more giggles and taken more punches and snuggles than any other person or thing on this EARTH. He is also falling apart, but I will make sure he does not disintegrate in my lifetime.

November 17 AP 321– Wearing off of depression and anxiety. I just realized that for the FIRST TIME since NOVEMBER 2009 that I have HAPPY (or at least content) days WITHOUT MEDICATION. This time last year I spent EVERY.SINGLE.DAY in a state of PANIC and racing heart and/or severe depression and/or SEVERE full blown panic attacks aaaaaaall the way through the winter until I started on Paxil. Then I weaned myself slooowly off Paxil and Depression and chronic moderate anxiety attacked with a vengeance, but things are getting better. I’m totally okay and managing and functioning on my own. Yay!

November 18 AP 322– Panera’s ¬†broccoli and cheddar soup in a bread bowl, but especially my darling brother ¬†Matthew treating me to dinner.

November 19 AP 323– My letters from Adam. They make me feel like a giddy middle schooler with a crush. Definitely something to look forward to throughout the day.

November 20 AP 324– My awesome bike and bike seat and Adry’s trailer *breath* AAAAAND Girls’ Night out of the house with Mary & Crew. Really funny ladies. Pictures of the bike ride coming soon.

November 21 AP 325– Triumph over OCD, one ritual at a time.

Categories: Ciao Bella Vita : Daily Journal

Appreciating Depression

April 18, 2010
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April 18 AP 108– 2 Corinthians 12 and Depression.  Anxiety, depression, anxiety, depression.  If it’s not one it’s the other, and sometimes both at the same time.  I hate anxiety.  Hate it.  HATE.IT.  But I’ve never altogether hated my depression.

Don’t get me wrong.  It sucks.  It is about the most horrible feeling on Earth, I’d say third to grief and anxiety.
And I’m feelin’ it now.  Not just the numbing kind that you can try to fight through to get through the day with a smile on your face for the benefit of others.  No, today I have the dead weight in your tummy, elephant on your chest, sad sad sad kind.  I want to curl up in bed in the safe haven of my blanket and pillow cave and cry and do nothing and be nothing.  I just want blackness… unconsciousness… to cease to think, feel, exist.  (Not to be confused with suicidal thoughts.  I’m not suicidal.)  I know this isn’t the worst it can get, either.  But still… I don’t mind it.


"7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I cling to Him when I am depressed.  I turn to Him.  I have physically felt him hold me, you guys.  It is all too clear to me that I am His, and this life is His, and I run to nowhere and gain nothing when I try to take control and live for what I want.

I don’t think God GIVES me depression.  I think it is a natural result of my chemical makeup, and of a fallen world.  God planted his seed and tends to his beautiful creation garden, and whether by a simple snap of His fingers or a beautifully and perfectly crafted evolutionary process, I am the way I am.  I know that God will not take depression away from me.  I know this.  He’s made it clear.  He’s given me the strength and willpower to fight anxiety and panic attacks, but I know in my heart of hearts that depression is a lifetime companion for me.  But He uses it– He uses it to soften my heart, to humble me, to slow down my otherwise racing thoughts so that I can Be Still Know That He Is God.  He uses it to break down my walls so that I may accept His strength and comfort.

Categories: Ciao Bella Vita : Daily Journal