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July 31, 2009
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I feel like writing, but I don’t know what to write about. I’ll just let my thoughts lead me…

I have these aching desires inside of me that haven’t been realized yet. I feel slightly anxious, slightly hopeful, and at the same time that I want to throw myself to the wind and let it take me any direction it chooses, I’m clutching at something, anything to keep me grounded and steady and in control. I’m back to the struggle of control– it’s a tough balance, you know. There are certain things I want to accomplish in life, certain things that I know I should accomplish, and so there is obviously a need for me to manage my life to make sure I can appropriately allocate the time and money and energy to theese things that I think are important… But then I fall into the ugly trap of ocd rituals and those constant nagging feelings that something’s not right- I’ve forgotten something, I messed something up, I need to redo everything to make it perfect, I’ve lost control, I’m sick, I’m losing myself, I’m ruining everything- my mind is so cluttered with these nagging, anxious thoughts and it is SO hard to filter them, to determine which thoughts and feelings are compulsive and which are reasonable.

I fight with my head all stinkin’ day, and it is CONSTANTLY over-stimulated. This is probaly why I am such a homebody and would choose my snuggly bed any day over going to a loud party with tons of people. It takes a lot of effort to narrow my focus to a conversation, or to whatever else requires my attention. I’m often teased for “zoning out” or being slow, but it’s because I am distracted by and thinking about a thousand different things that no one else seems to notice- EVERYTHING is magnified in my head: chewing, tapping, feeling germy, the texture of my clothes doesn’t feel right against my skin, I’m afraid someone’s feelings are hurt by something that was said 10 minutes ago, wanting everyone to be happy, feeling the need to wash my hands and apply lotion and chapstick and straighten my clothes and get a glass of water (this is constant ritual of mine- I often do it three times in a row), feeling confined and trapped, the need to gather my things in one place so that I don’t lose anything, etc. etc. etc….

ONE of the things that sets me off–and there is no apparant reason for it so it’s not like I can explain it away to give the impression that I am being reasonable– is the sound of people eating when I’m not eating. I can physically feel my blood pressure rise, and my immediate reaction is to either eat with that person, or walk away from them. People find this absurd, and it annoys them. Countless of times I’ve been told, “you need to learn to control that” or “you need to be on medication” or some other version of those two statements that isn’t so blunt or harsh.

1) I CAN’T control it. I just can’t. If I COULD control it, I have no idea why I wouldn’t because trust me- it is an absolutely awful feeling. You don’t know how many times per day I sit through something that is raising my anxiety and panic level, and I try to refocus my thoughts and take deep breaths but it only makes it worse, so I’ve found that simply walking away from the situation has an immediate calming effect. I wish people wouldn’t be offended by that- I’m just trying to cope. I realize it’s my problem, not theirs.

2) Medication- UGH. It’s NOT that easy. I’ve been on and off medication, several different kinds, for years, now. It does its job when it’s needed- when I can’t seem to function in life without it- but it also kills this little part of me that has so much to do with what makes me ME. TRUST me, I WISH I could pop a pill and be full of skipping and sunshine and lalalala, but that’s not how it works.

Well, my computer has less than an hour of life left before it dies and our MacBook charger isn’t working. Ben charged it yesterday at his parents’ house, but I suppose we won’t have access to a charger again until Sunday… We do need to buy a new one asap.

BUT MAN! I was kind of lost without my computer when it was dead. Reflective writing is such great therapy for me- I even got out my BlackBerry Memo pad and started journal entries in there, haha.

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Categories: Ciao Bella Vita : Daily Journal

July 4, 2009
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I wish I didn’t have such a melancholy disposition.
I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’ll never be a cheery person. I will never be sociable, I will never be chatty, I will never be charming and friendly.

I will always be introverted, awkward, pessimistic, melancholy. That’s just me.

But I take solace in the fact that no matter how gloomy I feel, I nearly always deeply enjoy the raw beauty of this world. There is beauty is nearly everything, except selfishness and evil.

Tonight I huddled under my mom’s oversized sweatshirt at a damp and rainy Picnic with the Pops, listening to the Columbus Symphony Orchestra. They sounded great. There were fireworks while children and adults alike danced with sparklers to ‘Stars and Stripes Forever’. A blond-haired, blue-eyed little boy buzzed past our picnic space with arms outstretched, announcing that he was a “fire jet!”. I missed my baby, and thought about him at home, bundled up in a million blankets in his crib because that’s how he likes to sleep… I wondered what he’ll be like when he is older. And then the orchestra played:

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom, for me and you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They’re really saying, I love you.

I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They’ll learn much more than I’ll never know
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

Louis Armstrong:

Brudda Iz’s Over the Rainbow/ Wonderful World Medley:

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Categories: Ciao Bella Vita : Daily Journal

Lent Facebook Fasting (Day One)

March 1, 2009
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Lent Facebook (and Livejournal) Fasting

Day One (Wednesday, February 25)

Today I discovered why I enjoy social networking sites: depression distraction. I realized that when the pangs of depression first threaten to surface, I drown them out with Internet distractions. Obviously today I did not have that option, and so the feelings built up until I was in bed with a tummy ache. I stayed there all night. I watched Law and Order and ate chocolate and Chinese chicken and broccoli. I felt like I’d just been dumped or something. Awful. I hate depression. I tried to remember what I did to deal with my depression BEFORE the social networking sites and all I could remember were the many, many, many times that I just became immobile, incapable of functioning, and prostrated myself on the floor in numb silence or hyperventilating sobs. I haven’t done that as often lately. Until tonight. Pah, Lent.

This can be a very good thing, though. I’m learning a lot about myself. I’m bound to use these 40 days of self-reflection and find a way to combat my depression and learn to manage it instead of just trying to cover it up and forget about it… And, this may sound totally weird, but I think that nights like tonight are actually good for a depression-sufferer. Nights like these are always accompanied by a surreal calming effect, almost like these awful and hopeless feelings have been locked inside because I’ve been futilely trying to bury them, and it’s a relief to just succumb to them and release them. And what’s wrong with succumbing to depression? What’s wrong with accepting it as an inescapable part of WHO I am? It takes far too much energy to live my life denying it and acting against it.

Random thought of the day: I love my mom and dad. Best parents ever. I am home, now, and I miss them terribly.

Categories: Ciao Bella Vita : Daily Journal