Entering into a second marriage is an interesting experience.
Keith is incredible. I am so grateful for him. I am SO in love with him, and I love him more each day. I want nothing more than to be his. I am excited and I feel SO fortunate. I stop periodically and marvel at how perfectly things fell into place… how he practically fell in my lap and he is just… amazing. When I met Keith I had this feeling in my gut that I’d be single for a really long time because settling in to another marriage scared me and I wanted to be 100% CERTAIN it would last. And of course, don’t even the most rational and realistic of girls have a picture of Mr. Right in their head, even if they are sure he doesn’t exist? I was sure my dream guy didn’t exist. And then there he was.
February 26, 2011:
this is why I like him. He’s super Christian and super laid back all at once. Does not get offended, is not a goody good, has EDGE, AND is super kind and loving and compassionate and sensible. How often do you find that mix/balance!? HOW OFTEN!?) So… if anything, I really plan on just enjoying this friendship.
March 5, 2011:
We talked about where we go from here. I think he’s cool with starting a relationship. I am >THIS< close to being ready, too, but when he asked me I faltered. He asked me if I have concerns and I said yes. But I have no idea what they are… other than I am terrified of cutting out options. Which sounds so selfish. AND ridiculous, because he is my dream guy. DREAM GUY. WHAT OPTIONS AM I AFRAID OF CUTTING OUT IF HE IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT!?
And March 12, 2011:
Keith assured me that he’d made his decision about me. That I was what he wanted and he was confident. He apologized for not making it clear how much he’d liked me… he was afraid he’d screw things up because I wasn’t ready. He told me I would NOT lose him… basically that he’d be waiting for me to make the right decision (whatever that may be). He told me that he realized I needed to choose a suiter fit for both Adry and I and that this decision was bigger than his own desires. He said he was willing to put up with a little jealousy and be sensitive to my situation. He told me he felt really self-conscious, though, because he wanted to be what I wanted… […] And. Y’all. My resolve broke. And I KNEW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, exactly what I wanted. exactly who I wanted. And I wasn’t scared anymore, I wasn’t worried, I wasn’t uncertain. […] Because Keith was SO right. Keith felt like home. Keith was who I wanted to make happy and take care of possibly for the rest of my life. And this passionate, intense feeling washed over me and I couldn’t wait… so I told Keith right then that I wanted to be his…
And on September 22, 2012 we will vow to to be one, to cherish each other and take care of each other, for the rest of our lives. And I couldn’t be happier about it.
And it’s weird because in the midst of all this happiness and excitement I have all these feelings about my previous marriage that I can’t express because I’m afraid people don’t understand or they get the wrong idea. Since I AM so happy and moving on to a new chapter of my life, I am feeling guilty that I let things go so sour in the first marriage. Since my marriage ended the way it did, it’s really hard, y’all, to express guilt over it, or any kind of compassion for the other side. Even when I talked to a counselor I was told it was worrisome that I was shifting blame on myself. When I was hurt, I felt the victim. But I’m not hurt anymore. And I AM blaming myself… not for the final end of the marriage but for the part I definitely played. Even if I had changed my behavior and still had no control over the final outcome, I am still sorry. Now that I’ve had the chance to step back and feel stable and secure and happy, I recognize the hurt on the other side and how I might have caused it, and that makes me hurt for him… because I should have been the one he felt safe to go to, and I obviously wasn’t that person for him. (I am not excusing. Just reflecting on MY part.) And that’s something I’ve really worked on with Keith. I’ve pretty much drilled it into his head from Day One that I don’t care WHAT he’s tempted to do, or what mistakes he’s made or will make, or what his insecurities are, or what thoughts go through his head, I just want him to come to me. I’ve promised I won’t react angrily and I will make every effort to understand his point of view under the conditions that 1) he’ll never leave me, 2) he will never lie or hide anything from me, and 3) he will make conscious efforts to love me and be happy with me despite his feelings. I can handle ANYTHING he throws at me under those conditions. Of course his response is, “You don’t have to worry because I will never even think about doing that to you and I will always be happy with you” which, of course, is not what I want to hear. I don’t want him to feel like a failure or resort to secrecy and dishonesty if it does happen.
So, yeah. I’m excited to spend the rest of my life with Keith. I’m excited to learn more about him and us and continually perfect this relationship and grow more awesome together. I am so ready!