Search my journal



January 2018
« Dec    

© 2012 CiaoBellaMamma - All rigths reserved.

Firstyme WordPress Theme.
Designed by Charlie Asemota.


December 30, 2010
Save pagePDF pageEmail pagePrint page

I feel very bittersweet about this :-(.  Finding a daily thing to appreciate has turned into SUCH a habit. Which is an incredible thing, right? I hope to do this project again another year. I’m thinking, actually, of taking up a journal project every even year. Perhaps in 2012 I will do a 365 Picture Project (a picture/day) and in 2014 I will do another AP.

Without further ado… the last of the Appreciation Project entires:

December 28 AP 362– Adry’s love of music and his natural talent and ability. A few days ago I witnessed something that truly gave me that mommy pride feeling in my gut. It was before Christmas- before Adry got his full drum set- and he was playing around with his little single drum and tambourine. After a few minutes he lined up the drum, the lid to the drum, and the tambourine all side-by-side. He took his drum sticks and hit around on each of them for a while and expiramented with the sounds. When he was satisfied he proceeded to use them as a little makeshift drum set and kept a STEADY 4/4 DRUMBEAT, using the drum for his eighth notes (One And Two And Three And Four) and the tambourine every second and fourth. Um… that’s like the max complex drumbeat *I* can keep, so it will be amazing when my toddler son can out-drum me… Grandpa and Uncle Matt have been teaching him proper form and technique, and he enjoys practicing. It is really amazing to watch him develop. Watch out, y’all. Future rock star. Now someone PLEASE just broaden his musical taste.

December 29 AP 363– Clint Eastwood, John Williams, Joe Wright, The Coen Brothers, Tarantino, and every other behind-the-scenes film artist who help make awesome, magical movies. I believe I’d already appreciated talented actors and actresses. I appreciate how Clint is truly an artist: he draws SO MUCH out of seemingly simple scenes (deep emotion without dialogue, sensuality without sex) and NEVER crosses over into “mushy”. John Williams makes every movie he touches sound magical. He’s directed the music for so many of my favorite films: Hook, Jurassic Park… He’s the one that did Jaws and Starwars, too, by the way. Joe Wright… Atonement and Pride and Prejudice and The Soloist… beautiful movies. The Coen Brothers– too many awesome movies to list, I love them all. Tarantino is a film genre all on his own and I love all of his stuff, too, but PULP FICTION will always be my favorite. And so many other awesome film industry folks.

December 30 AP 364– Me and Ben and our marriage. At the beginning of the year I had decided to reserve this appreciation for our anniversary: December 31. When I left Ben I decided to throw it out altogether. But you know what? I’m not doin’ it. I’m not throwing it out. I’m appreciating it now and I always will. I gave 9 years of my life to that relationship, and it will always be a part of who I am. I appreciate every minute, every day, every year, every laugh, every heartbreak, every memory. I appreciate it all. And now I’m crying and can’t see the monitor anymore through these dang tears, haha.

I appreciate the memory of the first time he told me he loved me. I appreciate the memory of that enormous grin he had on his face as he watched me walk down the aisle to marry him. I appreciate how giddy he got when I told him I was pregnant… how he couldn’t contain himself; he called everyone he knew right away. I appreciate the complete and pure adoration and dedication he had for his son from the minute he was born. I appreciate the years we got to enjoy as a whole family, and how Adry LOVED when we were all together. I appreciate every celebration we enjoyed together and every crisis we overcame together and all the growing up we did together. We shaped each other into the people we are today, for better or for worse.

I really really really enjoyed being young and growing up together. There is a bond there that I think is unmatchable. That’s either an unfortunate or beautiful thing, I’m not sure.

I don’t regret my marriage to Ben. I regret how it ended, but otherwise I have no regrets. I loved him. I loved our family. I would have suffered misery and  fought for our health happiness for as long as I lived. I just hope that one day I can feel whole again. I appreciate everything I have learned from this experience.

December 31 AP 365– New life chapters. This would have been me and Ben’s sixth wedding anniversary. This will be the first year in almost a decade I bring in the new year without him. I do not yet *feel* appreciative of this new life chapter, actually, but I am making a conscious effort. A new year, a new chapter, a new start… In reality this just feels like desperation and fear in limbo, but… like I said, I’m making an effort.

(Is it “ironic” that I clicked on my ‘wedding anniversary’ tag after writing this entry and the post (click link to see) that popped up was from last year- our LAST anniversary together- and the FIRST thing I mentioned was that I was wearing the necklace that “Cousin Sammie” had given me? Humm! I’m so glad I brought her along with me to celebrate my marriage! 😉 )

Categories: Ciao Bella Vita : Daily Journal

Really Rough Day

December 15, 2010
Save pagePDF pageEmail pagePrint page

Really rough day.

If you are considering leaving your spouse, please heed my warning that broken misery is 100X worse than married misery. Make.It.Work. FIND HEALING. WORK YOUR HARDEST. Do not go through this.

I am mixed up, screwed up, confused, and unstable… and paranoid and cynical and frustrated. I’ve completely lost myself. I don’t know who I am or what I believe anymore. I feel entirely dead. I let self-pity and other indulgences into my soul and they’ve eaten me alive.

I’m a terrible mother. A terrible sister. Terrible daughter. Terrible friend. I have a heart of steel. My son reaches for me and all I want to do is run the other way. I can’t be what he needs; I’m too weak.

I try to feel something. Anything.

WHO AM I! Who have I become? I don’t recognize any of this.

And I hate being daily reminded of Ben and our marriage and I hate feeling like I’m crazy for missing it. I keep it all locked inside because I feel like if I mention it people’s attitudes are all, ‘how could you miss that? How could you miss him? After everything that happened!?’ Especially since HIS attitude about the whole thing seems to be nothing short of ‘good riddance!’

I also feel guilty for missing it. Like if I miss it it means I’m not letting go or moving on. But really, for me I don’t think that’s the case, because honestly… I don’t think I will ever stop missing it. Not even when/if one day I am happily remarried or whatever… It’s like mourning the death of a person, you know? You can move on with life and still miss them. I mean, I’ve accepted it (the death; the failure). There’s no going back. I want to focus on what’s ahead. But it’s just the recovery part I’m having a hard time with. If I had to sum it all up, I’d say I’m dealing with loss of faith in God and myself and humanity. Everything feels really warped.

But I go through spurts- WEEKS at a time- that I feel SUPER and confident and excited to move on with life, and then BAM out of nowhere the regret and sadness comes flooding in, uncontrollably, and I feel like I’m back at Grief Stage One all over again.  (But I remind myself that I haven’t regressed. I’m just walking through similar landscape of the winding valley.)

Anyway, I just want to start over. I want a clean slate. I want to go back to the day I decided to leave Ben, and I want to launch this Single Mom thing off right this time. I want to be strong and confident and unwavering in my faith. I want to keep my priorities straight.

Categories: Ciao Bella Vita : Daily Journal

‘rediscovering faith’

December 7, 2010
Save pagePDF pageEmail pagePrint page

“Talk to me about the truth of religion and I’ll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I’ll listen submissively. But don’t come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don’t understand.”

I just finished C.S. Lewis’s A Grief Observed. In the midst of my own grief- albeit a different kind of grief- I’ve had the exact same thought. Over and over and over. I know I’ve voiced it a few times, too, in not so many words.

And I love how he related grief to a winding valley in which each bend reveals either new landscape, or what looks like the exact same landscape you thought you’d already left behind. You wonder if you are just going in circles, but you aren’t.

Each day that I feel I’ve taken three steps back I just have to remind myself, “It’s a process, it’s a process, it’s a process. Not a state, a process.”

And I keep moving forward. New bends, new landscapes.

Categories: Ciao Bella Vita : Daily Journal

Let it be

November 2, 2010
Save pagePDF pageEmail pagePrint page

Ben and I had probably been married for two or so years in this distinct memory I have of lying in his old bedroom at his parents’ house and wondering if there would be marriage in heaven. I couldn’t imagine not being married to him in eternity.

I called him and told him that if anything were to happen to him I probably wouldn’t remarry on the off-chance that I’d be able to be with him literally forever.

I said, “You know that ’til death do us part’ thing I vowed? I want to be married to you in my soul, in my heart.”

And he agreed and said he wanted the same.

Every day I mourn a memory like this. I think about it, I cry about it, and I try to let it go.

I’m hoping to one day run out of memories to mourn.

The Beatles Let It Be
Uploaded by manon42. – News videos hot off the press.

I don’t know what happened between us, but I really did love him. So much.

Categories: Ciao Bella Vita : Daily Journal

“So is that what you call a getaway? Tell me what you got away with, cause I’ve seen more spine on jellyfish.”

November 1, 2010
Save pagePDF pageEmail pagePrint page

A new emotion?

I just needed to JOURNAL (or, you know, indulge in my addiction and middle school drama) and get this off my chest.

Because of recent RIDICULOUS and INFURIATING (and completely unrelated to this post) events I went browsing through my old FaceBook messages and I saw her name…  ‘S B’.  And I saw our conversations: message after message after message of things I had confided in her.

Knife in the gut. Deeper and more painful than ever before.


Is it because the shock has worn off? Is it because I am just now beginning to suffer the consequences of being so damn jaded and cynical and skeptical and paranoid and scared? Because now I can’t look anyone in the eyes and TRUST that what they say is true and I am CONSTANTLY CONSTANTLY CONSTANTLY wondering what people are doing or saying when I’m not around? Is it because I’ve lost faith and self-worth and I’ve compromised and I’ve lowered my expectations? I EXPECT untrustworthiness and I mentally prepare myself for it to happen because that’s just life and I can’t hope for anything better, and I don’t deserve much better anyway…

Is it because she never apologized and just disappeared off the face of the earth and I couldn’t even ask her WHY.

WHY did you continue talking to him? WHY did you tell me you weren’t? WHY were you sending me messages of encouragement and ‘thinking-about-yous’? WHY did you work so hard to earn my trust and affection and then go behind my back? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY??? WHY did you lie so completely to me?

Is it because you were truly in love with him? Did you just like the attention? Did you need me to trust you so that you two could be friends again? Was ANYTHING you said sincere? At ALL?

For the first time I feel ANGRY at her. Hurt, betrayed, used, taken advantage of, and enraged. Because my family was torn apart and SHE acted like she cared as she watched and was a KNOWING participant in its breakup. And then she tucked tail and ran.

I’ve NEVER felt angry at her before. I’m bitter about EVERYTHING she has stolen from me: things that go far far far deeper than a husband.

Keep my husband; I want ME back.

I suppose it’s good that I am finally facing how I feel about her instead of keeping it buried only to resurface YEARS from now.

So maybe I can sort it out and find peace and forgiveness NOW so that when I am 55 years old I won’t run into her and ‘accidently’ trip and spill my kool aid all over her hopefully light colored outfit, and then get nauseated from the fall and puke in her hair, and then try to pull myself up and get my nails caught in her skin, and then have to tug them out with such force that I backhand her eyeball, and then apologize vehemently but forget I have a cold and sneeze in her face, and then afterwards ask her for advice because I have this cousin who’s prettyy smokin’ hot.

Would that be inappropriate?

Categories: Ciao Bella Vita : Daily Journal