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take a sad song, and make it better

July 1, 2017
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I never thought I’d be writing this, but I believe it is time.

A lot has been going on in my little world for years now- a lot that I’ve kept close to my chest; a lot that I haven’t talked about. I can’t talk about some of it and I don’t entirely want to talk about the rest of it. It’s been… overwhelming. Heh. I don’t even really know how I’ve held it together. My whole fucking entire world has been on my shoulders, and now that it’s in pieces, well… I’m just so apathetic about it. I mean. I fought so hard for it… and now it’s gone. I lost. It feels. so. twisted. I feel guilty for even writing that because I don’t want to offend my parents or anyone else, but sometimes when I think too hard, or think at all, I’m just… what the fuck, y’all. What the fuck. How did my life become this?

Anyway, to cut to the chase and to make a very very (very) long and complicated story short and simple— The Sanders Family is now a split family.

Dad is living apart from Mom and they’re working on a disillusion. And that’s not all! They are also both seeing people they intend to stay with. We get to navigate all the life changes at once!

Dad is with a gracious, kind, intelligent and beautiful artist named Suzanne. She is like this sociable Bohemian-esque free spirit with long flowy hair who paints for a living and has friends and stuff, haha.  For those of you who’ve known my dad all these years, your eyes are probably bugging out of your head right now. I know! mine are, too! I used to think- if anything ever happened to Mom, Dad was sure to become a hermit or something in a house full of his hundreds of hobbies. I thought that surely he’d find new instruments to play that no one has ever heard of, and spend the rest of his days playing records/listening to NPR and making things out of wood.  I am, of course, thankful that I like Suzanne, as unexpected as she is! Mom seems to be okay with Suzanne. Suzanne it seems is also willing to accept our wackadoo clan and hang out with all of us as a family… I mean, the situation at this point is as positive as one could hope… And I don’t know what else to say, y’all- that’s that! We will see how the future unfolds.

My mom has been a bit more private about her situation, so I guess I won’t talk about that yet.

Sometimes I have fantasies that we will end up like Modern Family where we are all quirky and dysfunctional AF but we are still one family, for better or worse, forever. But I am also trying not to get my hopes up, because being let down still feels raw and incredibly painful. Right now? I just don’t want to care. I’m done caring. I’m tired of caring. I have cared too intensely for far too long and it’s time to rest. Right now I just want to be selfish. Like, I want to be a child that tests my boundaries to see how unconditionally loved I actually am. (Am I?) I don’t want to be nice. (I am not not being nice!) I don’t want to try to hold this together and make this work. I need other people to figure this out.

I am thankful I have both of my parents, and they love me and my kids. I am sure to not take that for granted, and I count my blessings every day.

 

Categories: Ciao Bella Vita : Daily Journal

Easter Sunday 2017

April 29, 2017
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Adry had no interest in being a part of our Easter Selfie Sesh. We wanted him to join.

Adry had no interest in being a part of our Easter Selfie Sesh. We wanted him to join.

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Mom's Easter Sunday Lunch Table

Mom’s Easter Sunday Lunch Table

 

Blurry. Adry is helping Ella find her Easter basket.

Adry is helping Ella find her Easter basket.

Ella's bloomers kept falling off of her tiny self.

Ella’s bloomers kept falling off of her tiny self.

Chocolate!

Chocolate!

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Adry, looking for his basket

Adry, looking for his basket

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Not pictured: Mom, Dad, Uncle Matt, Aunt Alexz, Uncle J, Aunt Becca…

The kids both enjoyed Easter Service at Grace Central, as well as the toys, books, and candy in their Easter baskets. Afterward, everyone gathered for a delicious lunch, and then took a walk to the park in the neighborhood to watch the kids play.

Categories: Ciao Bella Vita : Daily Journal

Easter Egg Hunt 2017

April 22, 2017
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Eleanor takes tumbling classes (which, by the way, is adorable. She calls it ‘BOUNCE!’ class, and she proudly shows off her splits, kicks, forward rolls, and top-notch bouncing skills). At the beginning of April we participated in the annual Easter Egg Hunt and Open Gym at the place she has BOUNCE!, and both of the kids had a great time.

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Eleanor is cheating and trying to snatch some eggs before the go-ahead.

Eleanor is cheating and trying to snatch some eggs before the go-ahead.

Grandma is helping her go through the loot.

Grandma is helping her go through the loot.

So is Big Brother.

So is Big Brother.

...using all her strength to try to open an egg by herself!

…using all her strength to try to open an egg by herself!

 

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The Mom and Dad Selfie

The Mom and Dad Selfie

Shamelessly Eating My Kids' Chocolate

Shamelessly Eating My Kids’ Chocolate

Categories: Ciao Bella Vita : Daily Journal

The Last Single Digit

March 25, 2017
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Dear Adry,

You turned NINE years old this month.
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Your Grandma Sanders let you choose your own cake from the Whole Foods selection. You chose well. And on your actual birthday we had a mother-son movie date at The Lennox. We saw the live action Beauty & The Beast and I think you enjoyed it for the most part! Afterwards you decorated sugar cookies, got some money on your Roblox account, and opened up some cool presents from your aunts and uncles.

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You also had a little party with your buddies at your daddy’s house, and spent a day with Grandma and Grandpa Martin, too! They spent some time with you at your friend’s birthday party, took you to see a little bit of a movie (before you asked to leave because it was more intense than you’d expected), treated you to some dinner, and took you to cuddle on some cute puppies!

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But your birthday festivities weren’t over yet! Your daddy shared this picture of the cake your grandma Ellwood made for you! You got to spend a day with them, too!

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I really enjoyed celebrating you, Kid. I love you a great big amount. A bigger amount than I ever knew possible. And it grows bigger with each passing year. I’ve always enjoyed watching you learn and grow and change, but now- as you are getting older- it’s kind of cool because I get to enjoy being your pal, too. I like hanging out with you and laughing (at Keith.) I like trying to listen as you talk endlessly about all the things that interest you. Even though 90 percent of the time I don’t understand the words you are using, I still think it’s cool that you like to tell me all about it. AND I’ve picked up on SOME of the lingo. Lyke, I can dap to da brass horn, brah. Even doe I’m a n00b and wait, what even am I doing…

A little bit about you at 9 years old:

Basically, you have two settings. In the first you are quite literally vibrating with energy and bouncing off furniture and walls while Keith constantly shouts, “you are shaking the whole house!” Of course, you don’t hear him because you are right in the middle of explaining easter eggs and hackers and memes and forgetting to breath. In the second you are checked out of reality, lost in the gaming world, and I don’t hear a peep from you for hours.

You are also a fantastic big brother to Ella. You adore her. You are patient and good to her. I’m very thankful for that.

Our dinner routine consists of 5 parts us trying to convince you to eat, 1 part you pretending to eat, and 4 parts you insisting on getting dessert because you maybe ate one bite.

Our bedtime routine consists of 10 parts me fighting with you to brush your teeth and 1 part you pretending to brush your teeth. Then we read Harry Potter. You love it. Sometimes we snuggle and fall asleep to Doctor Who instead.

You decided to cut your long, thick, naturally highlighted hair and now you have perpetual bedhead because you claim that your new haircut is “supposed to be messy” and doesn’t need brushed.

You are as sweet and sensitive as you are sassy and temperamental. You’re funny, you’re smart, and you’re loved. You’ll always be my baby boy.

I love you forever!

-Mommy

Categories: Ciao Bella Vita : Daily Journal

Ella’s Adventures

March 18, 2017
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Ella Bella, you are a consistently busy girl with a schedule full of love. I wanted to share with you a little glimpse of the kinds of things you do with the people you get to spend time with.

(Thanks to everyone who shared their Ella Adventure pictures with me, and on Facebook!)

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with Mome Martin

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with PaPa Sanders

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your hang out spot at Uncle Matt and Aunt Alexz’s

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Fashionista Ella!

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Shopping with Papa Sanders

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Homemade play dough with Aunt Becca!

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with Aunt Becca and Reese

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Raincoat, Bebe, and tights

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watering plants with Mome Martin

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Play dough animal sculptures with Mome Martin

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back porch hangs with Aunt Becca and Uncle J

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Movie date with Mome Sanders

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Dinner date with Mome Sanders

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Princess tent reading time with PaPa Martin

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art work at Uncle Matt and Aunt Alexz’s house

Categories: Ciao Bella Vita : Daily Journal

Mom is Fifty-Something!

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I can’t keep track of my parents’ ages anymore. Mostly because I can’t keep track of my own age. I’m still in my early thirties, that’s all I need to know. I spent a solid two weeks mentioning to people that I was 33. As it turns out, I’m still 32. Huh. So, how old is my mom now? 53? 54? 55? Fifty-something is adequate, right?

I organized an outing for Mom’s birthday. We took a wine glass decorating class at Wagon Wheel Wines in Canal Winchester (recommended to me by one of my co-workers). The wine was delicious AND I didn’t even really mind how my glass turned out! Usually when I attempt something crafty I am horrified by my finished product and I’m tempted to give my two-year-old all the credit. But THIS time- not to brag- but it could easily pass as fifth grade art work.

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Mom and Sandie, whom I love and am consistently thankful for. Thanks for making the drive yet again from WV to celebrate Mom, Sandie!
(My fat snowman wineglass is on the left.)

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Mom’s other friend, Missy joined us. She is a very sweet person and I’m glad to have met her!

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Mom and her gals

 

Love you, Mom!

Categories: Ciao Bella Vita : Daily Journal

Some Christmassy 2016 Photos

February 12, 2017
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[I am sorry to the people that did not make it in these photos. It was unintentional. …Namely Rebecca and my mother, who seem to have eluded the camera when I was taking photos (I think they were beside me on the couch); and The Martins because I must not have gotten my camera out when we saw them.]

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This gift of Jacob’s was perhaps one of my favorite things about Christmas this year. Back in 2011, Jacob and our boss at work- Robin- started a prank battle with these creepy AF caroling Christmas dolls.
THE STORY IS HERE:
Battle of the Caroling Dolls
When Jacob left his job at The Village, he took one of the caroling dolls with him with every intention of getting the final prank in–maybe even years later when the time was just right he’d take the doll back to The Village and leave it where Robin would find it. The topic would resurface every now and then over the years, and he would confirm his plan to do so.
Well, this year Dad gave a package to J and told him it was NOT from him.
When J opened it and received a caroling doll for Christmas I could not stop laughing. FIVE years later Robin beat J to the punch and remains the prank master.
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Well played, Robin!

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Categories: Ciao Bella Vita : Daily Journal

Ella Turns TWO!

February 11, 2017
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On November 4, 2014 The Martin Family lost a baby and gained a toddler.
That morning we woke up and went to Amy’s Donuts
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and Eleanor enjoyed every last bit of icing on her’s.
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She was also treated to an apple and a sucker at the grocery store.
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And she celebrated life and autumn and sunshine by dancing in the leaves at Grandma and Grandpa Sanders’ house.
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Several days later we had a small family party for yummy cake and a few gifts.
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Aunt Alexz made the cutest, most delicious cake!
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And the day after she partied hard, she laid back and read through her birthday cards.
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Ella Bella,
You are such a spirited little girl- so full of life! You are also tough as nails. You’ve been through so much in your young life, and you take everything head-on. I will never forget the time two big, strong male nurses and myself gathered around your bed at Children’s Hospital prepared to hold you down to get an IV in your tiny arm. You were frightened, but you didn’t look away, nor did you cry after the initial prick. …Or the time I put you in the bathtub and took the shower head down. It got loose and hit you in the belly and sprayed ice-cold water on you. You screamed and I whisked you out as fast as I could and held you against me to comfort you, and just a minute later I asked if you were ready to try to take a bath again. You said, “okay”, so I put you back in the tub. You were so nervous you were shaking. You kept your eyes peeled to the shower head, but you didn’t back away or cower when the water came back on. Instead you went up to it and held out your trembling hand to test if it was safe. Baby Girl, I admire your bravery!
You love BeeBee (your baby doll), stuffed animals, and doggies. You have recently begun to let us read books to you! (I love that.) You dance and sing ALL the time, and you like to organize things/put things back where they belong even though you are a tornado that leaves a trail of destruction everywhere you go. You also LOVE to color-even yourself, the walls, and Grandma and Grandpa’s floors and furniture.
You have a mind of your own and you’re difficult to keep up with. (I mean, you really wear us out, El. You are exhausting.) But I am excited to realize the things you are capable of accomplishing with all that energy and determination when you are older! (I just keep reminding myself of that, haha.)
I am so thankful you are part of our family.
I love you very much!
-Mommy

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Categories: Ciao Bella Vita : Daily Journal

Halloween 2016

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I finally got a new computer! Hooray! Despite the amount of our savings that Keith’s temporary unemployment ate through, I decided to bite the bullet and invest in a MacBook Air. I was going to wait until after tax returns until I realized I do my own taxes, and… I need a computer to do taxes!

Now I can play catch-up on all my holiday photos.

First: Halloween

Halloween was the most enjoyable holiday for me this year. I was sick on Thanksgiving, and Christmas was the most stressful and depressing Christmas I’ve ever experienced in my life thus far… In terms of circumstance-induced anxiety and depression, it even surpassed the year I had the miscarriage Christmas Eve through Christmas morning. (I am better now.) (Man, it felt good just to write that out, even as vague as it is. I’ve missed journaling.) BUT Halloween was such a sweet, enjoyable holiday for me. I’m glad I made the most of it.

We did our annual Friendship Village of Dublin retirement home Trick or Treat.

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Eleanor used the Max from Where The Wild Things Are costume that Adry’s Grandma Ellwood made for him when he was just a bit younger than Ella was this year. It’s a bit too short for her. But still adorable. Adry was a Civil War Union Soldier. (NOT a Confederate Soldier, for heaven’s sake. That’s a good way to annoy Adry!) His costume was made by his Grandma Ellwood as well.

We also tried a Trunk or Treat in Hilliard for the first time. I loved it so much I’d like to keep it a tradition.

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Uncle Sam told Adry that his costume was the most authentic he had ever seen and wanted a picture with him.

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And my kids enjoyed Beggar’s Night in Grandview, too. Adry got to trick-or-treat with his school buddies while Keith and Grandma and Grandpa Martin spent hours walking with Ella house-to-house up and down Grandview residential streets. I joined them when I got off work. We spent the last half hour at the Grandview library playing games, winning prizes, and getting our picture taken.

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Categories: Ciao Bella Vita : Daily Journal