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Six things I wish I’d never done

November 17, 2010
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1o Day MeMe:

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

I wish I was one of those people who didn’t regret things. I wish I could look at things as learning experiences. There are many mistakes I have made that I do not regret in the slightest. But yes, there are quite a few I definitely do, and if I could go back and redo things I would.

1) Going to MVNU for Education. I don’t think I regret anything in my life more than this. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not trying to dis on the school or the quality of my education, but it just wasn’t where I should have been. I fought it the entire time I went. I wanted so badly (OH SO BADLY YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW) to quit, but I kept chugging along because I didn’t want to be “a quitter”. I had too much pride. And I killed my soul in the process. Spend three years dedicating your life to something you aren’t passionate about and I guarantee you: it will kill your soul. Upon graduation I didn’t feel accomplished at all; I felt dead and unmotivated.

I SHOULD have done another year at CSCC and then finished up my BA at OSU. I did one year of undergrad at CSCC and had one of the BEST years of my life making all kinds of awesome friends, and I did a couple semesters of graduate school at OSU and LOVED it.  I took health and science classes and LOVED them. I should have and WOULD have changed my major if I had followed my heart and not my pride or what I thought people expected of me.

Also, I can’t regret marrying Ben, but I do think my going off to MVNU pushed me closer to him because I was miserable there and he was my link to home. I’m just not sure I would have married him if I had gone to CSCC another year.

And the cherry on top: the heap of debt I am in for nothing.

2) Letting myself gain weight. I can handle my tummy stretch marks and my surgery scars because those are all battle wounds of sorts, but I hate the fat. I hate that I could have prevented it… at least a lot of it. Some of it is just natural pregnancy weight, but a lot of it came before I got pregnant. I SO miss being skinny. I miss the energy I had (everything was easier and quicker and less clumsy) and the LACK of self-consciousness.

3) Losing my mother’s Sweet 16 ring. Yes, I still regret that. Always will. My dad gave my mom this adorable silver heart ring with two interlocking hearts when my mom was 16 years old. She passed it onto me when I was 13 and not too long after that I took it off in the Limited Two at Tuttle Mall and left it there. That’s kind of something that can never be replaced.

4) Cutting Nick out of my life when we were teenagers; fighting my feelings under some pretense I was doing what was best for both of us. I’m not entirely sure I regret doing that since I was sincerely trying to do the right thing, but I just wonder what life would be like if I had just let things take their natural course…  or if I had at least not done things so abruptly and completely.

When I was 16 I wrote in my journal that I loved him more than anything, but we weren’t meant to be together and I had to end things… and that ten years from now I wanted to be married and raising a family and I wanted him to be with someone raising a family, too. I just wanted us both to be happy. And now life has come full circle it seems and here we are: broken. Together.

(But I’m not gunna lie- it’s kind of nice to have a friend who I love and care about to be broken with. I know he’s helped me a lot anyway. I just tell him he has motivated me to figure things out and move forward faster than he has ;-))

5) All the mistakes I made as a wife. I’m not sure I had the power to prevent what happened, but there is always that what if in my mind. Whether I was meant to marry him, or whether I should have married him or not, I did, and I took it very seriously. I wish we could have been successful. Mostly for Adry’s sake.

Because I regret regret REGRET that I have to watch my son grow up being bounced around from house to house struggling to find stability, consistency, AND the proper amount of time spent with both of his parents. That’s practically an impossible balance to achieve.

Ben and I both made mistakes, but we made our choices and we should have lived with them because we brought a little boy into the world and HE is the one who matters now. I’m not saying it would have been fair for Adry to grow up with miserable, unhappily married parents, but if we would have both decided to be happy it would have worked.

Whether I could have controlled the outcome or not, I still regret it and wonder if I could have.

(Although the truth is that now, more often than not, I am feeling pretty good about all of my future possibilities. Life is going to be great. Life is great. I’m very blessed, Adry is very blessed, and we are going to have some great adventures together. Every romantic tale has its adversities to overcome, right!?)

6) Losing patience with Adry and feeling inconvenienced. Getting self-absorbed and stressed. He is my everything, I just don’t live like it sometimes… I feel like I want, need, to give him MORE. And so I get on these quests.  A quest to lose weight to be an energetic mom. A quest to one day marry and give Adry a family unit and stability. A quest to get into a career that makes more money so I can provide for him. Meanwhile I’m preoccupied and fail to recognize that all he needs is me. I WILL be better.

Categories: Ciao Bella Vita : Daily Journal

“The world was ours and we could do everything or nothing, all we had to do was anything because it was always us.”

November 6, 2010
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November 3 AP 307– Finding perspective.

November 4 AP 308– A random sweet and encouraging phone call from Ryan. Totally made me smile. He called just to check up on me and remind me that he’s considered me a sister since we were little and able to talk- we are family- and that I am amazing and he thinks I haven’t heard that enough. He caught me at the perfect time when I really needed to hear it.

I appreciate my “extended family” and Ryan. I love his sense of humor; he’s always makin’ me giggle. I love all the discussions we’ve had throughout the years, and how we grew up together within a close-knit group and now we can be there for each other as our adult lives unfold. I love how all of “the kids” have stayed connected, and it’d be AWESOME to make sure our kids stay connected, too, so that they can have what we have.

Anyway, thanks Ryan!

November 5 AP 309– Relaxing days with good company and DVR. I get to go to Nick’s house and be lazy and catch up on all my shows for the week. I would not be able to keep up with them if it weren’t for the fact that Nick lets me record them at his place. Also, I’m pretty sure I fell asleep by 10PM, which NEVER happens. Ever. I’m usually far too wound up. That’s what happens when I finally feel relaxed.

November 6 AP 310– HOOK! My ALL-TIME FAVORITE MOVIE EVER! I finally got it on DVD today and am watching it this second. Freakin’ love it.

Categories: Ciao Bella Vita : Daily Journal

Friendship Village Picture Post. Anyone can ask for the password.

October 27, 2010
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This morning Adry and I went with Parker and Denise to the Costume Ball at the Hilliard Library. Just a couple of pictures from that:

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A Bean Bag Toss Game

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Adry was drugged on Benadryl. Drowsy kid.

And tonight we went to the Trick-or-Treat at Friendship Village where Dad works.

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Tori showed up at the cutest poodle ever.

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Found some Halloween Candy… still in its wrapper. NomNomNom

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Nick’s debut on my blog: his cheese smile.

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Digging into Jameson’s candy

Freakin’ love this next picture. Totally captures the true mood of this photoshoot: two moms wishfully thinking that three kids together would just naturally overflow with charm and cooperation with extra love and snuggles and batting eyelashes to go around… and so two moms force three kids into position and WISH them to smile and be happy about it. SMILE, KID! LOVE EACH OTHER! LOVE EACH OTHER AND BE ADORABLE, DANG IT! RIGHT FREAKING NOW! I SAID NOW! And what did the two moms get instead? This:
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Two toddler boys who are both all, “ew, girl coodies– She’s touching me!” and a baby girl whose only concern is that she hasn’t developed the muscle strength to sit up on her own and her mother just dumped her on the floor to fend for herself… must.grab.toddler.boys.

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It’s no secret: we have the most photogenic children of all time. They know how to dazzle us.

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Categories: Ciao Bella Vita : Daily Journal

Emphatic, Dramatic, You’re Like A Psychosomatic

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October 25 AP 298– Being a kid; giggling; play-fighting. Y’all, I could do this effing all day. I have no idea why. I love to feel comfortable being a dork. In the happiest days of my marriage I remember taking great effort to silently crawl down our hallway and into our bedroom to jump up and scare Ben. More often than not he’d catch on to my scheme and prepare himself to scare me back. At the end of our marriage we didn’t play anymore and the kid in me was all but strangled to death… But I think I’m rediscovering it, perhaps much to the annoyance of my “victims” :]

October 26 AP 299– Ruby Tuesday salad bar. Laugh it up, Nicholas.  Laugh.it.up.

Side story. I thought I’d take a moment to fill ya’ in on how absolutely breathtakingly romantic Nick is. You know, to make you jealous. Because that’s what I do. So, like last week, after a few weeks of telling me he’s broke and can’t do anything, Nick decides he has some extra cash and he up and announces: I WANT TO TAKE YOU OUT, to anywhere you’d like to go- you choose a place!  So of course I am all, RUBY TUESDAY! And without hesitation Nick is all, “No,” because don’t I care about quality of food!? So, out of “ANYWHERE” he narrows my options down to two obviously superior restaurants (because apparently I was no longer qualified to judge worthiness of places for our once-in-forever outing): Max & Erma’s and Texas Roadhouse. We ended up at Texas Roadhouse, by the way, in case you were curious.

So apparently the Ruby Tuesday salad bar is nothing special and I should have no reason to like it. Oh, the scrutiny I endure. Hey, I like what I like.

And just in case Ruby Tuesday salad bar is a repeat appreciation (something tells me it is, but I can’t remember!) I also want to appreciate my parents’ enduring patience and love and cooperation and acceptance. When my world was turned upside down, I turned theirs around right with it. I have kind of hardened myself to that fact, because feeling guilty about that is just one more thing atop a mountain of guilt and regret that I just can’t emotionally deal with right now… but I want them both to know that I am eternally grateful that they haven’t dumped me in the streets yet after suffering through numerous depression/stress/anxiety meltdowns. And let me just tell ya’- when I’m not being passive aggressive I’m mouthy and bullheaded and indignant. Putting up with me is a chore. And pretty soon I’ll get to say, “just ask my ex husband.”

I have the Best Parents Ever.

Categories: Ciao Bella Vita : Daily Journal

Girl, You’re Amazing

October 20, 2010
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October 16 AP 289– Counter Culture Kids. The ones who know who they are and do not compromise. My generation is one of instant gratification and self-absorbance and noncommittal complacency and unfaithfulness. YOU give me hope for the future and my children. Stay strong. Do not conform. Renew your minds and guard your hearts and strengthen your character and value integrity. Revive spirituality. Young people, YOU have the power to revolutionize the Church of Christ, and to influence all those coming after you (like my son). This culture is seeping with filth and it is infiltrating the home and destroying families. Be rebels against this standard; STAND for something.  You are my hope 🙂

October 17 AP 290– My foundation as a young Christian and all of my spiritual “mountaintop” experiences as a teenager. I grew up in a Christian home, but I didn’t really become a Christian until I was about 16, and right away I experienced the radicalness and passion and abandonment that often accompanies a decision to repent and surrender. I experienced and felt unexplainable things… things I look back on and can draw strength from. In Utmost For His Highest, Oswald Chambers stresses over and over that a Christian must not continue on in the mountaintop experience, and he must live most of his life in the valley of mundane, giving each moment up to Christ for strength of character and perseverance and to learn what ‘to love’ really means. And so… I appreciate the valley right along with the mountaintop.

October 18 AP 291– Nick took Adry for a play date with Jameson while I worked. He’s good with my boy. He’s good with kids period. I appreciated knowing Adry was in good hands and having fun with two people he’s grown to adore.

October 19 AP 292– Morning zoo trips. The BEST time for the zoo. It was cool and there weren’t any lines… oh, and it was beautiful with all the fall foliage and harvest decor. I also totally appreciate Hutch coming along with us and helping out. Adry loves his Auntie Hutch.

October 20 AP 293– The song ‘Just The Way You Are’ by Bruno Mars. Okay, so back on September 28th (I know this date because I had to to back through my Facebook profile to find the link) I was having a terrible day and being really down on myself so Nick sent this video to me:

I’d never heard this song before at the time, and I fell in love with it. So sweet, right!? And now Bruno Mars is all touring the talk shows playing this song and the radio plays it all the time, so I get to hear it every once in a while, and every time I do it reminds me of Nick. This morning we were in our own separate cars heading our separate ways and he texted me, “97.9”, and there it was again. He called it my “theme song”, hah, and told me that when he heard it for the first time back in September he knew it was perfect for me. So yeah, I guess I’m totally amazing and don’t believe it ;-). No, but it’s just nice to randomly hear a sweet song that reminds me that someone out there wanted to make me smile. And it makes me smile all over again.

(Plus, Bruno Mars is kind of incredibly adorable, right?)

Categories: Ciao Bella Vita : Daily Journal